Parentless at 32: How To Leave Your Legacy as a Daughter and Mother

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Mom and Dad. Susan and Lin. Those names seem too distant a memory. Not that I don’t remember them and the amazing legacy they left, but some days make it seem like they have been gone pretty close to forever. I became parentless at the (much too young) age of 32. Here’s my story written a year and a half after becoming a parentless daughter and mother .

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February. My most dreaded month of the year. Both my parents passed away in February, within three days of each other, nine very short years apart. The whole month of February can be an emotional roller coaster now.

If you have lost someone close, you may notice this too. Around the time of a loved one’s death each year, those left on earth feel it and begin to reminisce everything all over again, even subconsciously.

First, how can you begin to figure out your parentless identity?

Boy, is that a tough question. It’s definitely a struggle to figure out your identity over the first few months, and maybe even years, of becoming parentless. The ways you cope with life situations change, especially if you relied on your parents for emotional support and advice. The connections with others you had through your parents, the “keeping up with other families and friends”–all of that is now broken.

You first have to find different ways of staying in touch with others—and you have to step out of your comfort zone—to keep many of those connections. 

It seems as though I had parents alive and well in my “old life”, and now I have a completely different “parentless life,” which is very much separate from the old. In this life, my parents play very little part and are, for the most part, completely absent. (Except for the memories of long ago, of course.)

One of the hardest things is, for a split second, wanting to call them or go visit them, then realizing I can’t. Wanting to hear their words of wisdom or advice–or really just their voice. Wanting to ask them if they ever ran into this problem with the kids and how they got through it. To ask how to handle a current job situation.

For all the questions I never thought of asking while they were alive, there will never be an answer.

What can help you as a daughter thrive in a parentless identity?

The biggest help for me, besides my faith, was most certainly remembering the life legacy my parents left.

The words of encouragement from my mom. “Just do your best, and that’s all you can do,” as she would address my perfectionism. “Don’t forget to drain the grease off the meat” as she was trying to talk me through cooking the family meal on occasion. And now you can guess what I forgot to do.  Oops. Not cool when a hungry family of 6 expected a yummy dinner to be ready when arriving home. 😉 

For anyone who knew my dad, he was highly intelligent. And self-made intelligence at that, without the benefit of a college education. He would read the most B-O-R-I-N-G books, but he would learn and apply it all. His desire for knowledge, and his ability to work with his hands to fix things served him well his entire life.

I will never forget the day he had my car on blocks, took all four tires off, and told me to put them back on. I was about to head to college, and he knew I may need that skill at some point or another. He was right!

As a parentless daughter (or son), you ponder over the advice your parents gave you and you attempt to extrapolate the answer to a question you have now. Or you ask close family or friends who knew them well if they know what answer would have been given.

If you’re reading this before your parents have passed, purchase this book: To Our Children’s Children: Preserving Family Histories for Generations to Come and give it to them to complete. Then bug them every. single. day to write down EVERYTHING they can possibly remember about their life.

How do you leave a legacy when you’re a parentless parent?

The hardest part of becoming parentless at age 32 was knowing that my boys would not ever know their grandparents on my side. My mom died years before they were born. With the exception of my oldest child, who was 4 at that time, they were still babies when my dad passed.

So how do you leave their legacy to your children? You share pictures, and you talk about special memories. And you tell your kids how much Pappaw and Grandma (is that what she would have wanted to be called?) would have loved them and spoiled them.

You can also leave a legacy in your own handwriting, with your own thoughts.  This beautiful book Mother’s Memories to Her Child  can be a great guide, and your legacy can be treasured for generations to come. Do it NOW! Don’t wait!

Share your loved one’s life, personality and uniqueness with your kids.

Choose to be thankful for the time you did have with your parents. It’s totally okay to let your kids know that you are sad, but they also need to see the good in all things. Be thankful for those cherished memories and let those memories be made known in order to keep your parents’ memory alive!

When you see your kids doing things that remind you of a parent, talk it up! Tell stories about days in your life as a child. Break out the pictures and discuss every. single. one.

My dad had a very entrepreneurial spirit, though he never gained the opportunity to act on it. I know he could have thrived in that environment with the right mentor to guide him.

About the time he had plans to start his own small business, Mom was diagnosed with cancer. Looking back, I see God’s hand was very much in all of this. He had great insurance through his job, and it sure was a blessing for the insurance to foot the majority of the bills during treatments.

What do you do when your dreams die with your loved one?

Only a couple years prior to the diagnosis (after staying home for years), Mom went back to work as a teacher. They were finally starting to gain some traction with their finances. Unfortunately, cancer took its toll.  A short 7 months after diagnosis, she was gone.

Though he never said it, I believe most of my dad’s life dreams died when my mom died.

I have fond memories of Dad coming home from work, sitting down at the kitchen table while Mom cooked dinner, and discussing how the day went for each of them. (Okay, maybe Dad mostly talked about HIS day…but Mom didn’t mind 😉 )

They truly enjoyed the company of the other. This is something I long to see in other relationships. I pray Erick and I can be that example to our kids as well.

All that to say, when my mom died, Dad lost his best friend.

Focus on the legacy that remains

You see, monetarily, my parents never had much. But they still had a wonderful legacy left at the end of their lives. They left many wonderful, loving memories and also four children. Four children all with various talents, personalities, and skills inherited and taught from each of those amazing parents.

I may be slightly biased, but they raised us well. All of us are hard-working, contributing members to society. Because of that, we are all financially stable. We are making a way for ourselves, being intentional, and stewarding our individual lives the best we know how. Respecting others was huge in our family. 

Where do you go from your lowest point of loss?

My dad got through each day, put one foot in front of the other, and made the best of it. He worked really hard to continue on in daily life, and he enjoyed spending time with friends and family. But like the quote from Oliver Wendall Holmes, “Many people die with their music still in them,” I fear much of my dad’s “life music” was buried with my mom.

So how do you live out your life and let your music be heard?

Even with a broken heart and spirit, Dad remained generous until the day of his death. Though he never had much, he was always giving. Much of his time, even the little money he had, would be used over and over to help others.

He also spent time with others, sharing his wisdom, practical advice, and stories. Oh, the stories! To this day, I regret not having recorded his telling of even just one of his stories.  

I’d like to think my dad relied on God more than he let on. Painfully, I don’t have an answer for if he did or didn’t.

But I know in my heart and from His Word, the heavenly Father is the ONLY One who will ALWAYS be there, and will never leave us or forsake us. Our music comes from Him, and He is the reason we continue living our lives abundantly, to the fullest.

What else changes after a loved one’s death?

It’s very surreal how life just moves on. Like a wave that just continuously carries you to the next thing. You can choose to swim with it and ride it, or you can barely stay afloat. There are definitely appropriate times for both. But my prayer is at some point, you decide to ride the waves!

A little over a year after his death, my blogging journey began. My fingers typing away on Dad’s old laptop, no less.

Many times when I ponder his life, I realize how much he would have LOVED owning his own business and being his own boss. And he very well could have succeeded with an online business. For a 65 year old, he sure loved technology!

I’d like to think he’d appreciate the fact that I sit here, typing away, working hard to encourage others to live their lives well, to play their music while they still have time.

I know that I will never hug him again. I will never hear his stories, and never again will I hear his loud snoring while napping in the recliner after Thanksgiving dinner.

Yet the legacy continues even after becoming parentless

I praise God for the unconditional love shared between my parents and how that love flowed over into me and my brothers as we grew up. I’m aware that, unfortunately, this is not the norm in most families, and I do my best not to take that for granted. The memories  of their love for each other will forever be treasured in our hearts and minds.

Helpful Resources to leave your legacy

If you are a parent and want to leave a physical legacy for your kids, grandkids, and beyond, I highly recommend purchasing To Our Children’s Children: Preserving Family Histories for Generations to Come. Write in it, pray over what you write, then give as a gift.  Also, purchase multiples to provide one for each of your children’s closest loved ones. After my mom died, we purchased several, gave them to Erick’s parents, my dad, my Grandpa and an aunt and uncle we are very close to.

I especially hold my Grandpa’s book very dear to my heart at this time. He passed away in 2013 and I just love having a book in his well-recognized cursive handwriting that tells of his life legacy. Even things I never knew about him ended up in that book. What a treasure!

If you are a mother with little ones, you can also look into a book like Mother’s Memories to Her Child. How I wish my mom would have had something like this for me and my brothers when we were children! I feel like it may have answered many of my current parenting questions I would love to ask my mom!

You are not alone 

If you have lost a loved one (or more than one), especially a parent, I know that we all grieve differently. My prayer, however, is that you know you’re not alone.

I also pray that my story can prevent some of the heartache for others in the future. You can leave a legacy a little more tangible than what my brothers and I had. Please, I beg you! Do NOT wait to get started on YOUR story, and write in YOUR life legacy book. Order it today, and begin writing in it the moment it gets to your house! You will not regret it, and your kids will cherish it forever.

If you have found yourself parentless (or lost any close loved one), do your best to reconcile your “new parentless identity” with the old, and allow them to merge into the best of both. Work hard to maintain other close relationships, and allow yourself to make positive changes in your life.

Whatever you do, continue living out your dreams and playing your music for the world to hear. Make every effort to leave a legacy in your loved ones’ hearts and minds, but also a handwritten legacy, for your kids, grandkids, and beyond.

As always, steward intentionally.

Heather

P.S. This was much different than my typical articles. However, if you are working on living out your life legacy, whether it be financial or other life area, please join the private Accountability | Penny Steward Mama  group. There, you are encouraged to share your life aspirations, what you’re working toward, and gain some accountability in achieving them!

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