How to Discuss Money With Your Spouse (Even When They Don’t Want To)

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Yes! You are finally ready and excited to make some changes and get on track with your family’s finances! You have begun getting your finances organized and maybe have even started writing up a household budget.  But your spouse doesn’t seem to be on the same page. Where on earth are you to begin in order to discuss money with your spouse? 

You may be a little scared to bring up the topic again…or even for the very first time. Use these tips, ideas, and talking points, to open up this conversation and finally tackle this very difficult issue. 

This issue is all too common. While researching the top reasons for divorce, I found the majority of articles placed two different reasons, “money” and “lack of communication,” at or near the top of the list. It’s interesting, then, that most who are married often find that communication with their spouse regarding money is very difficult!

So how can I open the discussion regarding finances with my spouse?

First, you must pick the “right” time to have that first money discussion. The kids should be in bed or out of the house, and both of you should be in an overall good mood. If you are used to planning things together, then you may even schedule a time on both of your calendars for a “household finance meeting”. This can also give the other spouse a heads-up and time to think about what he or she is or isn’t willing to do regarding the household finances at this time.

If you’re not used to planning ahead like this, then you’ll just have to be aware of the timing of your discussion, and make sure to be intentional about when you start the conversation and how you start it.

Clear communication is key.

Look your spouse in the eye and talk to him or her about how much it would mean to you to start working together on your finances. This will speak volumes.

You both chose to get married and do life together as a couple, as a team. Finances shouldn’t be any different. Explain to them your reasons for wanting to work on this.

As you begin the conversation, be sure not to point any blame to your spouse. Definitely own up to your own shortfalls and how you intend to fix them, but don’t expect your spouse to own up to theirs just yet! And resolve not to get bitter about that.

Be patient and understanding. Really think about the language you are using as you discuss. An example would be, “I know I have not been careful about my expenses in the past, but I am ready to start moving in the right direction and work on this together.”

Avoid “you” language for now. In other words, don’t follow up the prior statement with, “And we’re going to do just that because you are getting on a budget!” Or something like, “you can no longer buy… or do…” I’m sure you get my point.

If they don’t seem convinced just yet, you may need to show them something you’re willing to sacrifice to make this work. If you are willing to give up something they know is super important to you, it is likely to get their attention.

My husband and I got serious about reducing expenses in order for him to stay home with our boys while they were still little. We use a fun, yet super helpful monthly bill tracker to make sure everything stays organized and paid on time. While looking over those bills, one of the things I thought could go was our cable.

He was pretty shocked I wanted to do that because there was a certain series on Hallmark Channel I would miss if we did this. Yes, Hallmark Channel. I’m such a sucker for always happy, feel-good shows. 🙂

Yes, I was willing to give up my one hour a week, where all worries and concerns about my life were completely forgotten. But for the sake of our family it was totally worth it to give it up for the purpose of getting rid of that monthly bill.

So you may need to think about what you are willing to give up in order to obtain something even better–peace and contentment when it comes to your family’s finances!

Focus on the ultimate goal, rather than the nitty gritty details at first.

When you discuss money with your spouse, the last thing you want to do is start the conversation with a condescending demand. “We are going to start budgeting and here’s what I’ve come up with.” Instead, look at the overall big picture of your finances, think about the ultimate goal that you are wanting to achieve. Start with that. Bonus points if it’s a goal you know your spouse would be into too! Your goal needs to be very clear, and something you want more than anything.

My husband doesn’t pay our bills or pay that much attention to the finances. He lets me handle the majority of it. Thankfully, he is on board with the budget, but this thought process helped us recently to focus better.

Our story 

We have some savings, so Erick doesn’t really care when we spend more than our monthly income. He knows we can take some money out of savings. I finally got a chance to discuss it with him one night when we were looking at buying a new home.

He sat down and really went over the numbers. We both could see that in the short-term, using some of our savings to cover our monthly expenses wasn’t going to hurt us much. What would be detrimental is if we continued like that for month after month (very easy to do, by the way!) In the long-term, the savings would be depleted, and then what?

That thought process (honing in on the big goal) is what opened his eyes to wanting to get focused on the details again.

So, decide on the ultimate goal that you would love to achieve with your family.

Maybe it would be to cash flow a vacation (and not have to bring the credit card bills home with you.) Perhaps it would be to start funding retirement. Or to pay down your credit card bills because they are a huge burden and cause of stress every single month.

If it is something that bothers your spouse too (like the credit card bills in the mail every month or the fact that they feel retirement may never happen), it may open up the conversation more.

Or if they feel that as a family, you haven’t been able to achieve some life goals or dreams due to financial hindrances, that may be a good segway into the conversation as well.

Be respectful when you discuss money with your spouse!

Think about the behaviors or words that tend to cause conflict in your marriage already. Be sure to avoid those points of conflict when talking about the subject of money if possible.

Your tone of voice and body language are huge. Erick and I constantly remind each other about the tone that we are using to speak to each other.

We may not mean it the way it comes out, but our accidental negative tone can cause the other person to get defensive very quickly.

Know that the first conversation may not go exactly the way you hope.

Don’t push the issue. Just use it as a stepping stone for future discussions, and be patient. Bring it up again at a later date when the timing is right and ask if they have any thoughts about the original conversation. Get their opinion, and try to get an accurate feel for where they stand at the moment.

Be faithful to give your spouse the time and space to process and think about your well-thought out words. If you can be patient, you will be surprised at the interest that can spark. It may take much longer than you like, so hang in there!

In the meantime, continue to do what you can with what you have and be sure to count the very small baby steps you are achieving as big wins!

After my spouse seems on board with working together on the finances, then what?

Once your spouse seems open to working on the finances together, that’s when you can start talking about the budget. But don’t overdo it. Your goal is not to make the word “budget” become a forbidden word in your home! It should be the system that gets you to your goals, so don’t say it more than your spouse is willing to hear it!

Also, be prepared, if you are the one who initiated all this financial talk, your spouse may not want to be the one to actually create the budget. Which means you will have to. You have to do the hard work, unless they start to get excited about it too.

So decide who will get all the numbers organized and will write up the first budget. If you need help or motivation with your budget, the monthly budget challenge is just what you need! 

How to discuss money with your spouse in your household finance meeting:

After the numbers are all laid out and the first household budget has been created, it’s time for your household finance meeting! Pick another “good time”, and then let your spouse look over it. At this point, the one who created it must primarily listen rather than speak and hear what the other spouse thinks. Do not allow yourself to get defensive when your spouse starts “correcting” things.

Ask questions respectfully and get their opinion on what should be changed.

If you get too strict, or try to cut expenses too much or too quickly, you will set yourself up for failure from the get-go.

Compromise, compromise, compromise. Yes, you!

Again, do not place blame on anyone, but have an open conversation. Most of all, be willing to compromise, especially on this very first budget.

I will repeat myself because I feel this information is that important. Remember, as a married couple, you should both make the decisions surrounding the budget. The spouse who is more motivated to budget should be the one who actually makes the budget. The other spouse needs to review it, express their thoughts, and the budget should be adjusted.

BOTH parties will have to compromise. However, if one is truly against it and possibly perturbed by it, the one who is excited about it will need to compromise even more. Especially in the first few months.

Give yourself plenty of time to consider the best way how to discuss money with your spouse. 

I have heard stories from many couples where one is not on board originally. But once they start making progress, and see what can be possible as the months go by, they jump on board too. So give it some time. Don’t get discouraged.

Also, please don’t rule out professional counseling if needed. Many times when money discussion is a struggle in marriage, there could be some underlying issues going on as well. A counselor can help you sort through these things, and open communication appropriately.

My prayer for you as you begin these money discussions with your spouse is simple. It’s that you can intentionally move forward to a shared goal regarding your finances. Remember to respect your spouse’s opinion, keep the line of communication open, be willing to compromise, and be patient.

Pay special attention to the timing of your conversation and the way you word things, as well as making sure you don’t place blame. It won’t be easy and it will take some time, but it will be so worth it once you and your spouse are on the same page financially!

And that’s it! How to discuss money with your spouse 101. 

As always, steward your money, and your life, intentionally.

Heather

Come join us on Facebook in the Penny Steward Mama Accountability private group, where we are setting and achieving money (and life) goals!

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